copy that, copycat

Ever since I was a little girl, I always felt a strong possessiveness over characters and effects that I strongly related or gravitated to, that I find myself relating to. Whenever I try to illustrate something, a replication of something that I really saw myself in, (for instance, a drawing of Hello Kitty when I was 3-5 years old), I felt very strongly about it. Somehow I felt like the illustrator was copying my existence, and this was me reclaiming it. I know that doesn't chronologically make any sense, but I've encountered this theme a lot. My disorders got really worse when I had no sense of expression. My mother did not really spend a lot of time with me growing up except for being in the same room as me when I was watching television. She did not give me a incentive for her to love me, while my father was the opposite. But the relationship between the both of them and me is nonexistent now, so I can't help but be envious of people with good relationships with their family and write a fantasy about it.

Why is it that when people don't want someone around and they are dying, why do they keep them around? Oh, I know the answer, sensei, the resolve is that they just want someone to abuse repeatedly. Now I know the people that let go of the traumatized folk are the kind hearted ones. Sometimes people's souls and hearts turn their intentions ugly because they can't help but be surrounded by ugly things. 

But yeah. It's incredibly crucial that an elementary school age child has avenues to explore theirselves and their identity. I could barely survive without a lack of self expression. My parents always throwing away my drawings and coloring books because "I'm too old for that", and other things. I had no choice but to escape online, but I aggravated a lot of people I seeked acceptance from. My father interrogated me about what I was doing online.. even though I was in first grade. I had more reasons to be frightened of him than to really, trust him. 

This world is too simple, I guess I was born to make the world better for myself and the people that love and care about me, not conditionally like my entire biological family. Not even my aunt can protect me but I can't say that I didn't try. Everyone will vanish in a brainwashed state, and I cannot control that, I'm just not that much of a goddess, lol. 

I have lots of theories on reincarnation. I hate how people who over sexualize theirselves and force things get more of a acceptance and peace over people that work hard to make their mental-garden decent. 

Something I've learnt from my ex is that it's very crucial to work hard and face forward as yourself in the face of adversity. That's how progress and history is made..

- CZ