LIFE DYSPHORIA

 I admit that in my earlier teenage years, I was really insensitive to people that looked similar to me in terms of a real life physical appearance that couldn't identify with the protagonists and characters of a fictional show. Specifically, anime. I know this made me sound like a jerk, but I considered them "babies" that are projecting or self-inserting hard into a show.

But I've been watching anime since 2011-2012. My first anime that I got invested in, besides Demashita!! Powerpuff Girls Z, was Clannad. I embraced the characters' personalities and actions, so I wasn't worried, as a child, about their appearance. The fandom's fixation of a appearance felt very shallow to me, like they weren't paying attention and they just wanted to identify or be seen as "a cute anime girl" or a "anime guy hottie" that's probably still in high school.

I have to admit that I'm struggling to really identify or truly feel one with the characters I relate to now. I guess it's growing up and getting to know how society is like more and more, that's one, but still. I always felt invalidated by white or pale girls that were able to cosplay as anime girls and just walk around saying "I'm literally this character". Way to humble brag. It always offended me. Why do they get to cling so closely to this character that fits all of their personality traits in a snug sense? That's why I'm working hard to create a comfort, but not so home-hitting character that I can relate to, and so can a lot of girls similar to me can jive with. 

I get it that media does not exist to serve me, but I'm tired of all of those babies online.

They need this.

 🍼

It hurts when parts of your original identity are missing or falling apart and you cannot even make contact with the one thing in front of you right now that you really identify with. I hate when ignorance springs into action when someone is faced with a dilemma like this: just purely making a character their skin tone and no other personal traits. It's disgusting how stupid ignorant people are.

That's partially why I stopped watching so much anime because there's so much white-coded characters with relatable stories. I'm happy I understand the thematics that lead to these design choices but I can't hide my overwhelming emotions when it comes to this. My mother always asks me why do I even bother watching something that could make me upset, even though she makes me upset almost everyday without fail. 

Thank you.

- CZ