Meh

 So I'm home from this event my childhood friend invited me to. I really valued our friendship together until she kind of made the initial choice to go with this girl who's two to three years younger than us than me to go home with, even though fate had it that we would be going home together. It seems like her mind was more resigned on trusting her which triggered me. I was holding in a few panic anxiety attacks as I didn't want to miss my train and be waiting for hours to get home but I was fortunate and smart enough to get there.

The event was underwhelming and honestly a waste of time. It was out of my comfort zone and I already found what made me happy. Video games and boba tea. I think I might only leave my house to go to gaming events. I can't hold back my frustrations of living in a box, even this girl who is younger than me is more confident navigating the train station more than me even though she almost got us lost four times. I have an animal crossing island to get home to, fortunately, and surprisingly so does she, but I still can't help but feel insecure and upset. I hate how my parents have infantilized me to the point where I hated my innocence, and I see this innocence reflected in my friend and her other friend, but my childhood friend's innocence hurts me the most. She trusts her brother still, who went to the same horrible middle school we did.

My brother destroyed the simple relationship we had. A lot of times I just have memories full of him being disrespectful, repulsive and disgusting. I can't look at him the same and I feel nauseous when I look at our family photos. Why me, why this life, I guess it's because everyone else was already taken. But I like my fighting spirit.

It's easy to just, want to commit suicide and give up but I'm happy I chose to be a daydreamer pretty early in the life game. Always dreaming of artistic ideas and whatnot. I don't want to let anyone down but my physical form has it's limits too. 

I'm unsure of why I'm so insecure to be a "sheltered online head". There's no shame in being a e-girl or a streamer or anything. The stigma is misunderstanding from people I expected or wanted to be accepted by. I can't afford to care anymore. I only care about my Ken-kun and my villagers right now, tbh. I can't wait to let go of my abusive family and connections for good. I just want to be free, happy and in my own space. 

It's only my judgemental and close minded family who made me feel ashamed for having online friends and being "so invested" in asian culture but I finally found what made me happy and comforted inside, and most importantly, safe. So F them.

I'm disappointed so I guess I will only come outside for my gaming events and that's it. I'm so happy that I chose me instead of others. Otherwise, I don't think I'd still be here..

- Cassandra Zuo