home from my anime fair

 so i'm home from my very first anime fair. 

part of me feels stupid that i had to be self isolated for so long from my favorite things. i feel like i was opening up near the ending of elementary school. i chose to come online because my parents always lie to me, saying that they'll always take me somewhere i'd like to go and it never happens. 

so naturally i am miserable. i don't even want to describe the living conditions. 

it hurts when people described me as only "sheltered" because i know that inside that there's a lot of good traits within me. i wish that i had more time to self develop. i know that i'm more than a "sheltered" girl. if i didn't self advocate for myself in online circles, i would've been a nervous wreck that's stuck inside of her own shell and never break free. i feel like i would've gotten hurt, and obviously life is not like a anime episode played out.

my life is depressing. that's why i'm in a era of idealizing death but at the same time, how life is going is confirming my lifestyle choices so i don't want to hear anything about people trying to say that i am a loser or something. i can bully people too. i already had to delete one of my comfort blogs due to harassment from a stranger i thought was my friend, they sent their other "friends" to attack me and it was so uncomfortable. 

it hurts how society is, to be honest. i want people to try to get to know me, too but i'm not going to take anyone's disinterest in me personally. i understand i'm not entitled to anyone's time and it's vice-freaking-versa. this experience is making me question all of my dreams. why do pale skinned sheltered people get to succeed and are coddled more, while darker skin people are more ignored and whatnot? and when there is someone in the spotlight that's not the typical kind of person, they tend to self destruct or ruin the image that a lot of people worked hard to protect, a overall image, not one that lives in one's head.

i don't hate myself, fortunately. but it's thanks to me caring for myself for all these years. it's safe to say that i won't be attending a lot of events as often as i hoped.

i have to admit that it hurts to see other people getting socialization opportunities too. it hurts that no one really tries to get to know me, which honestly, makes me more excited for my suicidal plans as well.

i try my best in a lot of fields. 

i didn't cosplay because this is my first time going to an event.

i brought a cute pokemon sticker and the guy put candy in the bag! i can't.. believe this..!

i felt a bit flustered, to be honest. i get that it's a sweet treat but that was so kind of him. i think i developed another crush but i feel really happy because it's a crush in person and not online for once. i doubt i'll ever see him again, though.

something good that happened is that a chibi sailor moon cosplayer put a heart sticker on my sugarbunnies watch! i'll never take it off now. thank you! i also took a photo with her, so i will post that to my instagram. ^^

i hate how sheltered i sound but i forgive myself for acting so head strong and believing that i knew it all about socializing, even though i'm confident in myself. 

i'm happy to blog, for myself and anyone here to listen to me.

even though i live in a abusive and suppressive environment, i'm starting to prefer staying at home. i finally understand how ken feels. i thought i could survive a atmosphere that he wouldn't really like and i understand his bashfulness towards me. he doesnt like loud music and people and neither do i. i wouldn't have survived if it weren't for therapy. 

i want to be happy. i feel like i'm only alive for spite and i'm glad i'm just numb with irritation towards my horrible family right now because i would be depressed and self harming myself.

thanks for being here for me.