:: entry ten

 hi friends.

i've been thinking recently. i don't like it when people see the colors in your soul and give someone else a complimentary gif that you wanted to someone with similar hues. it really gets to me. i guess it's a tulpa experiment of my father always ignoring how he feels about me. i always tried to get his attention when i was younger, hoping he'd call me cute. i don't really have a problem with these things, but when i drew a girl that looked like me, he just called it nice, but when i drew a native american pale skinned girl, he called it cute. my dad rarely if ever calls me cute and when it does happen, it feels really awkward because when i tried to look "badass" he called it cute, when i just wanted to be taken seriously. i don't understand why i have a father if he causes me so much pain, although i feel like he single handedly raised me more than my mother, who rather ignore me, ask me to do things for her or other nonsense.

i feel like no matter how i appear or dress, i will never be respected or seen as a young woman by my father, besides a child. my mother constantly says that there are women out there that wish their dad can only see them as that, their family, but i'm sick of putting myself in other people's shoes, i want to care about myself and choose to be selfish for once.

now that you have an understanding of this, you could see why i could feel "jealous" so easily.

"you only have bpd because your demeanor changes so suddenly"

what the hell is that supposed to mean? 

i'm sick of talking to people that are the same age as me because they tend to be so ignorant and braindead. i'm happy to exist in my own lane.

i'm glad that "i am paving the way" for others similar to me but when will i receive my flowers? i received them for my high school graduation but i never got flowers from a friend or anything. i guess i'm just waiting to be reincarinated to enjoy my life more. i know that life is short but it doesn't mean it has to be godawful. 

truthfully, the root of my mother's problems is my grandmother and her relationship with her husband. even though i survived my father threatening to hit me with a axe in elementary school and other scary things, something i would rather not voluntarily spectate is my grandparents' dynamics when they feel insecure or upset. she always sabotages good things, and hides from scary truths. she's also very racist and my mother can't help replicate that as well. i'm tired of being held back from progressing just because people cannot look inside of theirselves. 

anyways, i'll be going to the hospital today.

my life is not all rainbows and himitsus, although I know that's why you clicked on here, haha.

i'll write more later. thanks for reading. don't be shy to reach out and comment, because i am LONELY. :-(

- CASSANDRA-CHAN