:: entry twelve

🌞(´ ꒳ ` ✿) good morning.

    Yesterday, I went to my grandmother's house. She gave me a few gifts that I appreciated, sincerely. It's been almost a decade since I visited her.

I felt heartbroken coming over, though. Why did my father postpone my trip to her place for years? Just seeing the layout of the apartment builds a subconscious foundation for myself that this is the ideal place I'd love to live in, not my messy and depressing house owned by my two parents. I couldn't help but break down and cry. My cousins got to live there growing up, but they're going through their own mental health challenges..

I can't help but feel angry. I have this cousin named Annie that always seemed to be spoiled. She got to go to all of these places I really wanted to go to when I was younger when she was still considered a "child" and she still seems extremely ungrateful. I have to be an adult now, and I'll have to deal with cynical idiots saying "Aren't you a bit too old to like x, y and z?". It doesn't get to me but it hurts my younger heart. I just want to live a happy and fufilled life and I missed out on so many things, and it breaks a boundary belief that "oh "black" people aren't supposed to enjoy those things in the first place". My heart is hurting so much. I missed out on a good childhood thanks to my mother's depression and my father's anger problems. I'm glad I have a raison d'etre to stay alive and not kill myself nowadays, and it's thanks to meeting this one person, a meeting that you would think never happen, meeting Ken-kun. His nickname was Ken-chan but I'm not going to go crazy with possible catfishes because I know his typing syntax and I don't want to lose my mind/marbles like Venus or Xiao. 

Admittedly, my grandma's place is more frightening than my other grandmother. There's messed up dolls and she's trying to recover. It's still very cozy and organized for the most part. It inspires me even more to hopefully move away or travel because it's easy for me to look like "I don't fit in anywhere". She was saying I need to get out of the house more. I was always very extroverted, admittedly but I didn't have a lot of opportuntities to talk and express my opinion unlike my bratty and ungrateful cousins. We have the same skin tone and "physical traits" yet I always get treated like the underrated sidekick when all I wanted to be is a main star, like Vanellope or something.

I didn't mind my cousins for the most part. I forgave their immature behavior. It seemed like Annie was attention seeking. I'm admittedly someone who follows age regression culture online, for a few years now, so I really don't mind older individuals cathering to their "inner child" in order to heal, because life is fucking unfair. I was attention seeking too around the time I met her for the first time, because I was trying to get my brother in trouble for generally making me feel uncomfortable all the time. He always was provocative and angry, wasn't afraid to hurt anyone physically or verbally and more nonsense. My father was planning to put him up for adoption but he never did, so that sucks for me, because yay more abuse, trauma, and nonsense =D

Anyways, the name Annie became triggering for me for some time because I was taking a beginner piano class in high school. My boyfriend at the time was a skilled pianist but I was actually taking it to write original Vocaloid songs? She kept staring at me, this Annie, and kept talking under her breath in Mandarin to her friend even though there was another Black girl next to me absolutely doing nothing in front of the keyboard but using her phone. I was actually trying to make progress but she intimidated me and I was struggling with self confidence on my own even though I'm secure with my intelligence so I couldn't speak up. I actually knew more Japanese at the time than Mandarin so I couldn't catch her out by telling her to STFU because I need to focus or something. It wasn't right. I felt like the Mandarin-speaking people were babied and spoiled in my high school just because "They look so cute yet they're so smart!". There were a lot of hard working people there, but the way how they coped and handled "opponents"/classmates is just so insecure and hurtful. I'm glad I healed from that experience, but I hate how so many people were allowed to progress in their life despite being such insecure mangy people. 

I'm glad I only had a handful of friends, like Jake, Olivia, Emily, Cynthia and a Chinese girl I admittedly forgot her American name, but a vague memory of her Chinese name. I love them, so thank you for your kindness.

Anyway, moving on to the gifts. I got a huge my little pony comforter. I guess that was my karmic gift from Ken-kun. I always wanted a comforter of sorts like this. 

As mentioned before, I support age regression. I don't support close-minded idiots and morons harassing innocent age regressors staying in their lane and just trying to make people like them happy. Just because it's public doesn't give you a entitled right to be a big fucking jerk to people you don't approve of. Just leave them alone, cheese and rice. 

I'm a bit shy to talk about age regression openly.

I feel like a lot of people are using this phenomena of age regression to enable theirselves, but I know this can be misunderstood. So I'm going to write a post about it on my mental health blog..!

Until then, let me rant, mk?

I don't like lia ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ̀ˋ. She's wasting everyone who's in love with her's time by being stupid. All I see is a world of self-enablism and self-asborbed nature. I feel like she is geninuely not very smart or bright. In this world, there is thousands of media where people who have the same appearance as her get tons of representation and she still has stupid dolls that look just like her to comfort her younger self? How people describe their relationship of their inner self is so goddamn telling of how snobby and genuinely very very unintelligent they were as a child. 

I need dolls that look just like me to affirm me even though fucking mirrors exist. 

She feels genuinely spoiled and she saw age regression once and she's abusing that term to get popular, she's subconsciously taking advantage of vulnerable people's subconscious. I literally cannot finish any one of Lia's videos. 

I might make a age regression youtube channel too. I don't want to be too vulnerable online, I've been online since 2007 and I joined a MMO at age 9, although I've been playing other MMO's since ages 6-7 so I've experienced a lot of BS. I genuinely like to look cute, but I guess that's more reason to make a age regression channel. What I don't want to hear is people trying to say I gravitate with Asian pop culture to infantilize myself because I was raised Japanese. You're going to get a face full of STFU from me if you even try to tell that to my face. If you're confident enough, anyway.

Welp, I guess my fate is sealed. Instead of talking about all the kawaii things on my serious-adult-mature-get-the-bread blog, I will write about it on my age regression blog. Tumblr is too confusing and isolating for me. I don't want to be a self-absorbed adult like our lia here. I introduced Ken-kun to the idea of age regression (he's way older than me) so he can stop being so insecure, and I'm sure he's happy now, so it's time for me to be happy, despite what sad sad insecure idiots may think.

peace.

- Cassandra-chan

☮