disgust

 i just woke up from a nap and a bag just brushed pass my thigh that had something red on it. i went in the bathroom and its a huge mess with red hair dye everywhere, thanks to my ungrateful brother. it makes me uncomfortable he did this on my sister's birthday/death anniversary. i can't help but think he was the cause for her death and this is a poetic way of him "painting himself with her blood" or something.

my mother was always a soft and gentle fragile person. so what scares me is what happened to her before in the era during she was going to have my sister and when i was born. honestly, i wish that my brother was never born. i deserved a sister. i have no idea what her personality might've been but i wanted a sister my entire life and learning about her death helped me mature as a child in the past. but i'm still hurt by my brother's immunity to all the hurt he has caused in this family. i was hurt the most in our family. 

it doesn't help that our family has a history of miscarriages when it came to daughters, it's really rare to have a daughter for them and it's special that i survived everything, but i feel frustrated because often times i feel like my family are the ungrateful ones, not me and i'm sick of their projection games.

anyway the conclusion is that i hate my brother. i feel like he might've beaten or scared my mother often to the point where she couldn't be stable to carry my sister, so she ended up going away forever like that. the home might've been too dangerous and unstable at the time to hold a baby sister. looking back at the photos my mother took of my brother and me as a child fills me with unease. i just wish my life was better. im grateful for everything but i feel like its full of experiences someone else would enjoy more than me. i don't have "customizable" situations unless i were to be online or advocate for myself. where is this feeling that "i deserve absolutely nothing" come from?

- cassandra