concidental yukiko instance !

 

Experimenting with my hair

 I forgot which video I was watching to prompt me to buy these products,  but they seem promising. 

I think it's smart to take a note on haircare tutorial videos and pay attention to the type of products they use, and research how the products truly treat and "manipulate" your hair type based on accounts from individuals who may have a similar hair texture thanks to yours. I think the best thing to search up is search queries like "[hair goal] for [your ethnicity/background] [sex/gender]". That vagueness always helped me because everyone is truly different, especially due to the diets and more things.

I was able to change my hair texture due to some researching of mine. It used to be around 4C but now it's 3C. I'm trying to achieve 3A or 3B. I truly don't understand how people achieve it with less than five products. I realized I was using the curlers wrong, it depends on the direction the curls are in your hair but my mother keeps doing it the same way so I can't help but feel deeply disappointed when the curls are not defined in a sense I enjoy, lol.

I'm working hard to figure it out, but you may have to just simply sacrifice some parts of your hair to experiment to get what you'd like.

Just know that hair type is inconsistent and it hugely depends on styling. It's simple for me to achieve 2A-2B through styling tools. 

I really do like straightening my hair and leaving it as is, though.

Here are some of the hair products I purchased yesterday.

❥ Function of Beauty Zero Gravity Styling Mousse for Wavy Hair - 7 fl oz

I always knew about "Function of Beauty"'s existence through sponsorships of other Youtubers. From my understanding, it seemed promising when I was looking at what they provided on their website. I always remembered the brand's name so it's safe to say that I'm delighted to have a product of them of my own that's admittedly a bit generic and "plain" rather than a customized and individualized product. It has aloe and apple extract which sounds promising. I just can't wait for my hair to truly grow because I'm sick to death of my mother neglecting my hair so much, and making it matted for years. My aunt was the one who revived my hair by being patient by untangling all the knots instead of being sinister and cutting it all off, and I am truly grateful for that event, even though that was probably more than 10 years ago now, so thank you very much.

I might update you guys with a hair care video or a post. Function of Beauty seems promising in my book.

❥ The Doux Mousse Def Texture Foam - 7 fl oz

I saw this used in a hair tutorial video, I believe? I'm surprised it has green tea extract in it, lol. Hopefully it won't get moldy? Just kidding.

So it basically can define your curls or freeze a straightened hair style. I hope this'll really work, because I feel like the mousse my mom buys is a bit weak because her hair has been straight practically her entire life. Apparently, it can also resist humidity well, so I'm looking forward for that feature.. 

There are also Humectants, which are substances that draw and lock in moisture. I honestly didn't know that word until now, haha. It's crucially important to read product descriptions !!

I guess I'll use it when my hair is wet to see if I can achieve 3A. Wish me luck, everyone~

❥ Blow-out hair brush

I'm so happy I was able to find a affordable one at the hair aisle. I got this one so it's much more easier to style my natural bangs ^-----^ 

Japanese girls use a brush like this, so that's cool. I always wanted to style my hair like them. I already use Japanese shampoo and conditioner, and I love how my hair looks after I use these products, not to mention it gives a truly nice and consistent, persistent scent and my hair condition consistently becomes more healthier the more I use it. I was thinking of getting Korean shampoo in the future, but I'll see.

In other words/other topics

I made a "concoction" that's the ultimate hair-growth-and-moisturizer spray yesterday, essentially acting like Quinn from Zoey 101, lol.

It has peppermint oil in it, from a lip gloss container. I put a little bit on my hair and my hair stayed put and it grew a bit surprisingly instantly. My best friend told me that's what she used on her hair since she was small, and her hair is quite long, although I've never seen it relaxed. She would look something like this if it were to be:

Anyways, back to me, my brother also has hair growth oil that's targeted for women that he'd probably never share with me, so I took some of that in the "magical hair spray" as well. I should probably advertise and create hair products because I feel like I'm a bit clever with the wording, lol. 

My hair is in a protective style, so I cannot experiment a lot right now. I'm just purchasing a few products for when this style's time is up.

Thanks for reading this (:

- Cassandra-chan

P.S. Please try to not be so ashamed of your curly hair! All hair is beautiful! <3

goodbye father

 i dont understand anything anymore. my existence is pointless, hmm? 

he doesnt call me native american, just some vague, black, person. i dont want to be african american. my grandmother is that. my aunt is chinese. cant i just identify as blasian and this whole noisy world can shut up already? 

he wont let me commit suicide, he wont let me wear skirts, he wont let me kill the opponents mentally by letting me stand up for myself, WHY AM I ALIVE. HE SHOULDVE JUST GOTTEN A TALKING DOLL BECAUSE HE VIEWS ME AS THAT. HE VIEWS ASIAN PEOPLE AS ACTUAL PEOPLE. I AM NOTHING. I HATE THIS LIFE. I HATE THIS. I HATE PEOPLE WHO ENABLE OTHERS. THEY DONT DESERVE SWEET NOTHINGS. 

i am native american. i have a lot of identities. im sick of this

im done with him

i cant even run away from him in college

he followed me around everywhere and i couldnt talk to cute russian guys

he ruiend my senior year of high school

 I HATE THIS 

but i dont hat emyself

because i love myself

 i will move on

goodbye

HOW TO BE THE BEST GEN Z MEMBER EVER

 HI EVERYONE I CAN FEEL EVERYONE GREEN ENVIOUS GLARES ONTO ME SO LET ME TEACH EVERYONE BORN IN 1995-2010 HOW TO BE THE BEST GEN Z MEMBER EVER! MILLENNIALS EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE VERY ADORABLE... PLEASE LEAVE THIS VIDEO, ALONE.

OK SO THE FIRST THING IS TO REAVALUATE WHO YOU ARE.

YOUR ETHINICITY, HOW YOU ARE DEFINED IN THIS WORLD. HOW DOES THE WORLD DEFINE AND SEE YOU? LET ME TELL YOU A SECRET, MY FRIEND: THE WORLD IS FULL OF A COMBINATION OF DIFFERENT PHILOSOPHIES FROM ALL OVER TIME. ITS NOT ABOUT GOING BACK IN THE PAST.. ITS ABOUT WHAT YOU RELATE TO THE MOST.

FIND IT, AND KEEP IT CLOSE TO YOURSELF.

"BUT CASSIE, I DONT REALLY KNOW MYSELF ALL THAT MUCH"

OKAY. DONT BE AFRAID TO STUDY YOURSELF. *PICTURE OF ZUTOMAYO*

THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF RESEARCHING, WELL, YOU! I COULD EASILY WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THIS BUT MAYBE IN THE FUTURE IF YOU GUYS ASKED IN THE COMMENTS ABOUT IT!

NEXT, BUY MEDIA OF IT. YOU WILL GET WRAPPED INTO THE FABRIC OF THE CREATOR'S UNIVERSE BECAUSE THEY CREATED IT. 

OKAY THATS IT

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT!

THANKS

- CASSIE CHAO 

I'm So Peeved

 I hate my dad. why? he's so suspicious.

- he was wearing the same shirt that had the same laundry detergent as the dresses our family friend gave me

    - it was also made in the same country from one of the languages i'm currently studying, and it could be that our family friend is from that country

- he has two seperate phones

- my brother has been trying to say he's a cheater for eons

- our house is used as a storage place, much less a home

i don't understand why you have to lie that you love me and treat me like a doll you don't care about

i don't understand why my childhood had to be fulled with so much uncertainty and unfairness, i actually do my work 

this is my theory

he has another family.

i will talk about this to the authorities

thanks

- CZ

:: entry twelve

🌞(´ ꒳ ` ✿) good morning.

    Yesterday, I went to my grandmother's house. She gave me a few gifts that I appreciated, sincerely. It's been almost a decade since I visited her.

I felt heartbroken coming over, though. Why did my father postpone my trip to her place for years? Just seeing the layout of the apartment builds a subconscious foundation for myself that this is the ideal place I'd love to live in, not my messy and depressing house owned by my two parents. I couldn't help but break down and cry. My cousins got to live there growing up, but they're going through their own mental health challenges..

I can't help but feel angry. I have this cousin named Annie that always seemed to be spoiled. She got to go to all of these places I really wanted to go to when I was younger when she was still considered a "child" and she still seems extremely ungrateful. I have to be an adult now, and I'll have to deal with cynical idiots saying "Aren't you a bit too old to like x, y and z?". It doesn't get to me but it hurts my younger heart. I just want to live a happy and fufilled life and I missed out on so many things, and it breaks a boundary belief that "oh "black" people aren't supposed to enjoy those things in the first place". My heart is hurting so much. I missed out on a good childhood thanks to my mother's depression and my father's anger problems. I'm glad I have a raison d'etre to stay alive and not kill myself nowadays, and it's thanks to meeting this one person, a meeting that you would think never happen, meeting Ken-kun. His nickname was Ken-chan but I'm not going to go crazy with possible catfishes because I know his typing syntax and I don't want to lose my mind/marbles like Venus or Xiao. 

Admittedly, my grandma's place is more frightening than my other grandmother. There's messed up dolls and she's trying to recover. It's still very cozy and organized for the most part. It inspires me even more to hopefully move away or travel because it's easy for me to look like "I don't fit in anywhere". She was saying I need to get out of the house more. I was always very extroverted, admittedly but I didn't have a lot of opportuntities to talk and express my opinion unlike my bratty and ungrateful cousins. We have the same skin tone and "physical traits" yet I always get treated like the underrated sidekick when all I wanted to be is a main star, like Vanellope or something.

I didn't mind my cousins for the most part. I forgave their immature behavior. It seemed like Annie was attention seeking. I'm admittedly someone who follows age regression culture online, for a few years now, so I really don't mind older individuals cathering to their "inner child" in order to heal, because life is fucking unfair. I was attention seeking too around the time I met her for the first time, because I was trying to get my brother in trouble for generally making me feel uncomfortable all the time. He always was provocative and angry, wasn't afraid to hurt anyone physically or verbally and more nonsense. My father was planning to put him up for adoption but he never did, so that sucks for me, because yay more abuse, trauma, and nonsense =D

Anyways, the name Annie became triggering for me for some time because I was taking a beginner piano class in high school. My boyfriend at the time was a skilled pianist but I was actually taking it to write original Vocaloid songs? She kept staring at me, this Annie, and kept talking under her breath in Mandarin to her friend even though there was another Black girl next to me absolutely doing nothing in front of the keyboard but using her phone. I was actually trying to make progress but she intimidated me and I was struggling with self confidence on my own even though I'm secure with my intelligence so I couldn't speak up. I actually knew more Japanese at the time than Mandarin so I couldn't catch her out by telling her to STFU because I need to focus or something. It wasn't right. I felt like the Mandarin-speaking people were babied and spoiled in my high school just because "They look so cute yet they're so smart!". There were a lot of hard working people there, but the way how they coped and handled "opponents"/classmates is just so insecure and hurtful. I'm glad I healed from that experience, but I hate how so many people were allowed to progress in their life despite being such insecure mangy people. 

I'm glad I only had a handful of friends, like Jake, Olivia, Emily, Cynthia and a Chinese girl I admittedly forgot her American name, but a vague memory of her Chinese name. I love them, so thank you for your kindness.

Anyway, moving on to the gifts. I got a huge my little pony comforter. I guess that was my karmic gift from Ken-kun. I always wanted a comforter of sorts like this. 

As mentioned before, I support age regression. I don't support close-minded idiots and morons harassing innocent age regressors staying in their lane and just trying to make people like them happy. Just because it's public doesn't give you a entitled right to be a big fucking jerk to people you don't approve of. Just leave them alone, cheese and rice. 

I'm a bit shy to talk about age regression openly.

I feel like a lot of people are using this phenomena of age regression to enable theirselves, but I know this can be misunderstood. So I'm going to write a post about it on my mental health blog..!

Until then, let me rant, mk?

I don't like lia ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ̀ˋ. She's wasting everyone who's in love with her's time by being stupid. All I see is a world of self-enablism and self-asborbed nature. I feel like she is geninuely not very smart or bright. In this world, there is thousands of media where people who have the same appearance as her get tons of representation and she still has stupid dolls that look just like her to comfort her younger self? How people describe their relationship of their inner self is so goddamn telling of how snobby and genuinely very very unintelligent they were as a child. 

I need dolls that look just like me to affirm me even though fucking mirrors exist. 

She feels genuinely spoiled and she saw age regression once and she's abusing that term to get popular, she's subconsciously taking advantage of vulnerable people's subconscious. I literally cannot finish any one of Lia's videos. 

I might make a age regression youtube channel too. I don't want to be too vulnerable online, I've been online since 2007 and I joined a MMO at age 9, although I've been playing other MMO's since ages 6-7 so I've experienced a lot of BS. I genuinely like to look cute, but I guess that's more reason to make a age regression channel. What I don't want to hear is people trying to say I gravitate with Asian pop culture to infantilize myself because I was raised Japanese. You're going to get a face full of STFU from me if you even try to tell that to my face. If you're confident enough, anyway.

Welp, I guess my fate is sealed. Instead of talking about all the kawaii things on my serious-adult-mature-get-the-bread blog, I will write about it on my age regression blog. Tumblr is too confusing and isolating for me. I don't want to be a self-absorbed adult like our lia here. I introduced Ken-kun to the idea of age regression (he's way older than me) so he can stop being so insecure, and I'm sure he's happy now, so it's time for me to be happy, despite what sad sad insecure idiots may think.

peace.

- Cassandra-chan

☮

:: entry eleven

 hi.

when i was small, i was obsessed with talking to myself in the mirror. i didn't really have a sister growing up and my mother was always at work. i nicknamed the me in the mirror, "mary". so you could imagine how delighted i was to discover this movie called "look away". it's a horror movie but it kind of plays around with a concept like that. i realize mini stories can now be used as movies so that's cool. 

anyways, that made me fixated on the idea of having a twin sister. now that i met my ultimate mirror tulpa 10 years ago, that was a bad idea. why can't i have a nice twin? i met a few in real life that were kind to me. but this girl looks just like me. her soul is so hideous and sick. my mother acts that way but she is pretty on the outside.

:: entry ten

 hi friends.

i've been thinking recently. i don't like it when people see the colors in your soul and give someone else a complimentary gif that you wanted to someone with similar hues. it really gets to me. i guess it's a tulpa experiment of my father always ignoring how he feels about me. i always tried to get his attention when i was younger, hoping he'd call me cute. i don't really have a problem with these things, but when i drew a girl that looked like me, he just called it nice, but when i drew a native american pale skinned girl, he called it cute. my dad rarely if ever calls me cute and when it does happen, it feels really awkward because when i tried to look "badass" he called it cute, when i just wanted to be taken seriously. i don't understand why i have a father if he causes me so much pain, although i feel like he single handedly raised me more than my mother, who rather ignore me, ask me to do things for her or other nonsense.

i feel like no matter how i appear or dress, i will never be respected or seen as a young woman by my father, besides a child. my mother constantly says that there are women out there that wish their dad can only see them as that, their family, but i'm sick of putting myself in other people's shoes, i want to care about myself and choose to be selfish for once.

now that you have an understanding of this, you could see why i could feel "jealous" so easily.

"you only have bpd because your demeanor changes so suddenly"

what the hell is that supposed to mean? 

i'm sick of talking to people that are the same age as me because they tend to be so ignorant and braindead. i'm happy to exist in my own lane.

i'm glad that "i am paving the way" for others similar to me but when will i receive my flowers? i received them for my high school graduation but i never got flowers from a friend or anything. i guess i'm just waiting to be reincarinated to enjoy my life more. i know that life is short but it doesn't mean it has to be godawful. 

truthfully, the root of my mother's problems is my grandmother and her relationship with her husband. even though i survived my father threatening to hit me with a axe in elementary school and other scary things, something i would rather not voluntarily spectate is my grandparents' dynamics when they feel insecure or upset. she always sabotages good things, and hides from scary truths. she's also very racist and my mother can't help replicate that as well. i'm tired of being held back from progressing just because people cannot look inside of theirselves. 

anyways, i'll be going to the hospital today.

my life is not all rainbows and himitsus, although I know that's why you clicked on here, haha.

i'll write more later. thanks for reading. don't be shy to reach out and comment, because i am LONELY. :-(

- CASSANDRA-CHAN

.:Heisei Retro Stationary:.

Love Tomo

This franchise depicts a high school couple, and high school students together, having fun and being happy. The characters are usually brunette.

Funny Girls

A alternative version to Love Tomo, it seems. It appears to feature girls in general more than boys.

The animal ones may have been illustrated by the same artist.

Cutie Twins

The very popular duo of kittens and bunnies. They tend to be brightly colored, and they are featured in memo pads and other cute confectionaries.

My favorite one by far. This brand is really popular nowadays.

I wonder what are all the illustrators' names.

That's all.

I hope you enjoyed this post.

- Zuo

I'm sick

 I'm sick of people like my mother. Who hide behind their husbands when they do something wrong. When they violate you in every way possible and expect people to respect them as if they are royalty. I've been dealing with this my entire life. When will I be free.

- CZ

Aaliyah: Psychoanalysis

I feel like Aaliyah, at heart is a pure-hearted, innocent and carefree person. Those are traits that are affirmed in some of the media from that time she was growing up and enforced in the lifestyle her family may have lived, although throughout time, there was always a emphasis of sexiness unless it was intentionally hidden from the children growing up, like in my childhood, and my mother's childhood.

I feel stressed whenever I see her interact with other people. All I want for "babygirl" is for her to be happy and accomplished, but I wish that she was able to grow spiritually. Like me, she was meant to be kept small and innocent, and it's very hard to advocate for a new way to express yourself, even though it seemed like Aaliyah had more freedom than a lot of other girls, although I can't exactly say "around the time period" because I wasn't around during those times.

I think her endeavor in life was to be seen as attractive, in a sexual way. It took me a lot of rewatches of her music videos (not necessarily intentionally) to realize that maybe she's not this "superstar that sleeps with a thousand guys", that stereotype people always want to use to describe attractive women, especially black and minority women. Judging by her body language as she executes the dance moves, she is a shy and humble woman. Maybe she was sheltered growing up and as she matured more, she wanted to be seen as attractive in the popular American way. Aaliyah started the revolution for black women to dress up in revealing clothing such as bikini tops and tube tops. Before, it was common for women to either wear party dresses, work-out clothing or even men workout clothing in the music videos. So I'm glad Aaliyah was able to begin something like that, permanently in R&B music history. 

Another endeavor was to just be a star, someone who influences people the right way, and a singer, a dancer. It almost felt like she was blinded by her ambitions. I just hope her soul is resting peacefully.

She is an innocent angel. It depends on the environments on where these angels roam.

I have to admit that it feels really disingenuous, every imitation and "tribute" to Aaliyah I see in the mainstream music industry, even nowadays. It makes me want to throw up. All these people do is imitate and they get arguably more praise than the original thing and it feels disgusting to me. I know it's all about how one perceives it, but I haven't been a fan of most, maybe all of the tributes that had happened since her passing.

I was meant to die a long time ago

 𑁍‎♡·························

Milk Closet

copy that, copycat

Ever since I was a little girl, I always felt a strong possessiveness over characters and effects that I strongly related or gravitated to, that I find myself relating to. Whenever I try to illustrate something, a replication of something that I really saw myself in, (for instance, a drawing of Hello Kitty when I was 3-5 years old), I felt very strongly about it. Somehow I felt like the illustrator was copying my existence, and this was me reclaiming it. I know that doesn't chronologically make any sense, but I've encountered this theme a lot. My disorders got really worse when I had no sense of expression. My mother did not really spend a lot of time with me growing up except for being in the same room as me when I was watching television. She did not give me a incentive for her to love me, while my father was the opposite. But the relationship between the both of them and me is nonexistent now, so I can't help but be envious of people with good relationships with their family and write a fantasy about it.

Why is it that when people don't want someone around and they are dying, why do they keep them around? Oh, I know the answer, sensei, the resolve is that they just want someone to abuse repeatedly. Now I know the people that let go of the traumatized folk are the kind hearted ones. Sometimes people's souls and hearts turn their intentions ugly because they can't help but be surrounded by ugly things. 

But yeah. It's incredibly crucial that an elementary school age child has avenues to explore theirselves and their identity. I could barely survive without a lack of self expression. My parents always throwing away my drawings and coloring books because "I'm too old for that", and other things. I had no choice but to escape online, but I aggravated a lot of people I seeked acceptance from. My father interrogated me about what I was doing online.. even though I was in first grade. I had more reasons to be frightened of him than to really, trust him. 

This world is too simple, I guess I was born to make the world better for myself and the people that love and care about me, not conditionally like my entire biological family. Not even my aunt can protect me but I can't say that I didn't try. Everyone will vanish in a brainwashed state, and I cannot control that, I'm just not that much of a goddess, lol. 

I have lots of theories on reincarnation. I hate how people who over sexualize theirselves and force things get more of a acceptance and peace over people that work hard to make their mental-garden decent. 

Something I've learnt from my ex is that it's very crucial to work hard and face forward as yourself in the face of adversity. That's how progress and history is made..

- CZ

:: entry nine

𑁍‎♡·························

 growing up, it was easy to feel envious of my brother. he had all the video games he wouldn't even bother sharing with a stupid little girl such as myself, and he fit the demographic age with so many amazing shows around the world that were coming out at that time that would be more "societally acceptable" if he was watching them instead of a stupid little kid. i enjoyed a lot of the children's show because after all the 2000's were a reprise of the 90's, but being raised on mostly TV (my parents were either sleeping or away working) i learnt a lot about the world that many is unaware about.

for breakfast, i had a spicy sausage, egg and mayo sandwich.

i watched one episode of idolm@ster xenoglossia. it was nice to watch it. it felt like a more exciting version of evangelion.

i can't help but feel envious towards these girls, even though in this alternative universe, they apparently want to pilot a iDOL. 

the staff of this show: OKAY EVERYONE! SO, WHAT IF 765 PRO WANTED TO PILOT THESE BOTS CALLED IDOLS, BECAAUUSEE IT'S A METAPHOR. THE ROBOTS ARE HUGE AND MIGHTY, YET SAVE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE. IT'S PERFECT!

the other staff: you've been watching too much evangelion, haven't you?

the staff: URUSAI! 

it's enjoyable but i feel uncomfortable with the eechi scenes. i don't feel comfortable going into detail of why i don't like them.

that's it.

- CZ

Announcement

 I might finally bring back my older anime reviews, and blog posts from my original blog I started last summer, Snowy Haven. 

So stay tuned, everyone.

I am also working hard to figure out how to make a neocities blog so I can work hard on how to give a plethora of information about SNOWY PROJECT. Thank you.

- Cassandra Zuo

LIFE DYSPHORIA

 I admit that in my earlier teenage years, I was really insensitive to people that looked similar to me in terms of a real life physical appearance that couldn't identify with the protagonists and characters of a fictional show. Specifically, anime. I know this made me sound like a jerk, but I considered them "babies" that are projecting or self-inserting hard into a show.

But I've been watching anime since 2011-2012. My first anime that I got invested in, besides Demashita!! Powerpuff Girls Z, was Clannad. I embraced the characters' personalities and actions, so I wasn't worried, as a child, about their appearance. The fandom's fixation of a appearance felt very shallow to me, like they weren't paying attention and they just wanted to identify or be seen as "a cute anime girl" or a "anime guy hottie" that's probably still in high school.

I have to admit that I'm struggling to really identify or truly feel one with the characters I relate to now. I guess it's growing up and getting to know how society is like more and more, that's one, but still. I always felt invalidated by white or pale girls that were able to cosplay as anime girls and just walk around saying "I'm literally this character". Way to humble brag. It always offended me. Why do they get to cling so closely to this character that fits all of their personality traits in a snug sense? That's why I'm working hard to create a comfort, but not so home-hitting character that I can relate to, and so can a lot of girls similar to me can jive with. 

I get it that media does not exist to serve me, but I'm tired of all of those babies online.

They need this.

 🍼

It hurts when parts of your original identity are missing or falling apart and you cannot even make contact with the one thing in front of you right now that you really identify with. I hate when ignorance springs into action when someone is faced with a dilemma like this: just purely making a character their skin tone and no other personal traits. It's disgusting how stupid ignorant people are.

That's partially why I stopped watching so much anime because there's so much white-coded characters with relatable stories. I'm happy I understand the thematics that lead to these design choices but I can't hide my overwhelming emotions when it comes to this. My mother always asks me why do I even bother watching something that could make me upset, even though she makes me upset almost everyday without fail. 

Thank you.

- CZ

Twitter

 I want to happily microblog like everyone else but I can't help but gain the feeling that some horrible morons are trying to mass report me even though I'm not really harassing anyone, just expressing my opinion. I don't wish to hurt anyone, truly. Not trying to play comparison games, but there are people who literally want people to die on these websites. Can't these people leave me alone?

Thx..

- CZ

So.. this is how I exist now.

 So.. this is how I exist now.

This is how I always wanted to exist, before.

Truly and surely, I am happy, sound and content.

It's just that, I need to live with the other traits of that existence.

I need to live with the noisy criticism of strangers that don't even care about my first name.

I have to learn how to cope and to not cave in and apologize for existing.

It's the journey to peaceful co-existence and acceptance in this world. 

I want to co-exist and not be bothered, my journey is almost over.

Thank you.

-CZ

☁︎Rainbow Himitsu☁︎

 

:: entry eight

☘︎ ݁˖ entry eight ☘︎ ݁˖

 my mother was going to get chipotle for me today, but the order cannot be processed on the app. i'm disappointed. i hate living in this neighborhood, and it's all my family's fault. they like living in a dirty neighborhood that smells awful with terrible people with no morals. i get why they want me to stay inside but then they like to criticize my skin becoming paler. 

it looks like i'll be getting the usual: a double cheeseburger, fries and a soda can. no, i won't be eating the soda can. lol

i wish i lived in a asian country. i really do appreciate japan's healthy cuisine. i want to meet new people that are hard-working and not idiots. 

i feel exhausted. trying to escape my abusive and suffocating situation is so damn difficult. I want to live a good life. They ruined everything because they like to not take care of theirselves. I'm not one of them. I'm having a terrible flashback from when I tried to make photogenic omurice by myself, and my mother ruined it by making it a terrible, crummy mess. I never wanted to kill myself so much in my life.

...

I studied some Korean and Japanese today. I feel like I'm getting nowhere with Mandarin, although it is fun and exciting.

Reincarination theory

Maybe reincarination is just a fantasy, something a lot of people hope for after their life has put them through many trials, and honestly, shit. I realized you can experience a reincarination in "one body". People experience this by dying their hair, getting a new wardobe, and getting rid of things that are holding old energy. They were able to refresh in their life. 

I'm done writing for now. I'm going to illustrate my characters. Bai

- CZ

[-] Trinidad is such a colonizer country

This is just from my perspective. If you have something to say, feel free to comment below. 

My mother brought me to Trinidad the very first time in my childhood. The reason why I view it as a colonizer country is because it's not shy about it's agenda, it never is when it comes to the television. It was hard for me to watch the television, even as a child because I realized you need to have a strong mind - a strong subconscious. I felt more comfortable listening to the Japanese music on my tablet on around my second trip.

I think it has a relaxing atmosphere. You're surrounded by people who have the consistent, same accent with the same pitch and candice. I wish I was allowed to travel more and meet people around my age except extremely close-minded religious people so that maybe I wouldn't feel so strongly in a negative sense about the country. I wish I had better opportunities, even there.

I can't help but feel like there's a hole in my heart after I come back home to America. The magazines in the airplanes are dominated by pale-skin latin americans, so why can't Trinidad be recognized as part of Latin America? To be fair, I've never encountered a Spanish-speaking person there. When my mother forces me to listen to her trauma and issues without me even consenting to help, I want to run back home to America so bad. I admit I am a proud American and I never want to leave but I'm sick of close-minded people that look like me that do so much extreme damage than help, healing and structure of this country. I wish they would all fucking leave. It makes me want to hate my home, where I met so many beautiful and kind people that helped me in my life and change my perspective on horrible people and realities. I'm tired of idiots taking advantage of kind-hearted people that just want to be generous. Ugh.

I'm sorry but a lot of Black people in America are so brainwashed, but it'll take a lot for them to consider being open minded. I feel like I was set up to hate myself by my family who are too close minded to even consider genuinely smiling. I understand the privilege of having an European name but I'm considered really dark skin by a lot of standards.

That's all i have to say. I rather identify as Hawaiian or Eurasian - America needs to add Eurasian as an identity option when applying for jobs and voting. Thanks.

- Cassandra

📖 language learning diary :: entry 1

I am excited to stimulate my brain by studying around three languages at once. I feel devastated that I'm struggling with remembering parts of my Korean. I want to be able to read and write in that language, but I feel confused of the order I read every part of a word. I'm trying my best.

My main focus in my language learning journey is Japanese. I feel like I'm better off reading Satori Reader and using a Japanese-to-English dictionary while I'm reading everything. I want to get better at Kanji because it's honestly exciting for me.

- Cassandra Zuo

Hey! buy my stuff

 hello

i'm selling used clothing on depop

hopefully the prices are affordable :3

- Cassy Zuo

[-] I don't like "My Name is Jhene"

 Hi. This is my very first music review on Rainbow Himitsu. I admit this is a bit negative, but bare with me.

This album is disgusting and slimey.

As mentioned before in my "Extensions of Aaliyah" post, I hated the production sound of this album for the most part because it was eerily overly inspired by Aaliyah's discography, especially her final album in a sense. It made me very uncomfortable as a hardcore Aaliyah fan, but it's not like there was no room in my heart for me to support it. I have to say that there's a lot of "subconscious (?)" references to Aaliyah's works such as the song titles, lyrics and melodies. I would be seething if I was Aaliyah. Who even is this "Jhene" person, anyway?

The music feels like a romanticization of living in poor neighborhoods. It's more music that traps innocent people into enabling that living there is okay, just because there may be attractive men there. It's hot steaming garbage that will brainwash the wrong people, so thank god it wasn't released. I just found it on Youtube because I'm a avid fan of 2000's era music.

That was god awful, and if this album was a meal, it would be moldly and rotting.

That's it.

- Cass

I hate you

I hate you

You always take other people's opportunities for granted

Soiling the dreams of other hard-working people

Smiling while you destroy the pots and dishes of love

I hate you

I'm tired of seeing your face

I don't like you

Incredibly ungrateful existence

 I hate you

but I do not love you

I wish, my heart can forget about you

Thank you, for, nothing at all

You've bloomed, pain into, my existence

Don't wanna talk about it

Don't wanna be misunderstood, no

Goodbye

Good riddance

Horrible person

I hate you.

:: entry seven

 I know that seven is considered a lucky number, but apparently not related to this.

I got rejected from three different jobs this month, but it's okay. I'm new to the job field. Somehow this invigerates me, because this is apparently a common experience in a adult life and I feel valid for that aspect. My identity is.. tricky.

I think working might be a bit too overwhelming for my body right now. My chest feels heavy from that experience.

When I feel overwhelmed, my chest feels pains. This happened to me in physical educaation as well but I was forced to keep "running" or exercising to push my body. Even though you could describe me as strong now, I still feel a bit easily tired, and I don't believe it's from a lack of excercise, everyone underestimates how quickly I feel exhausted.

I got a journal that has a stress toy cover, so that's relaxing. I always wanted to get one of those, so I'm feeling #blessed.

I'm journaling in it with the copics that my friend gave me. Thank you💘

2000's

 I am in peace with "older things" for many reasons. There was an idolization and optimism towards the future. I guess a metaphor can be inserted. I am in peace because when I was in the 2000's I was surrounded by things of what may come, or a fantasy of what to come..

- CZ

⋆ I don't like new anime ⋆

 I am truly not a fan of newer animes except Pretty Cure. Call me picky, but that's just how I feel.

A lot of things in newer animes make me feel uncomfortable. There is always a emphasis and a abundance of "eechi" in them, otherwise considered as "fanservice". I wish I was able to immerse myself in a engaging story without characters, especially underage getting sexualized for seemingly no reason but to amuse these sick and sadistic show writers and animators. This might be a controversial take, but maybe they should just keep that to theirselves. I'm glad this garbage doesn't get a pass in American media but that's hot steaming garbage as well, I only like shows from the 70's-2000's. That's what my family likes to watch anyway, and I am a big Disney fan.

What happened to anime over the past decade is immensely disappointing, which is why i feel embarrassed to identify myself as a anime fan in this current time and era. I like Evangelion but it's not for eechi obviously, the story and the growth of the characters is so beautiful to me. It aligns with my real life in a way, with the presence of instruments and all, and the personification of beliefs such as "belief". I could write a interesting review on everything regarding Eva later.

Anime was taken as a joke in the previous decade and it's not hard to see why. A annoying obsession of sex, and genitals. Why can't they write a R18 thing? Anime is inviting to people of all ages because of the colors and character designs, and it can be used as a medium to tackle hard topics.

It's not like I want people to not know that sex exists. It's just that these people who are in studios seem to be abusing their power, position and maybe even status to "corrupt the minds of the innocent youth".

There's a reason why there is an abundance of anime fans of earlier works from the 90's, 2000's, and even the 60's-80's. 

This is all I have to say for now.

- Cassandra Zuo

Ojamajo Doremi is Strange

 Hi everyone.

Uhm, I cannot really appreciate Magical Doremi, the 4kids localization of the franchise. The event of that is something you would be grateful as, as a 'Western' fan of the series. The dubbing is awful, as if it's an American show and it ruined the immersement for me. I'm so grateful I was exposed to the original version first. I now understand why people didn't like 4kids, but the website was so cool, futuristic and immersive to me.

I like Momoko and Onpu, but the way how the characters are animated makes me wince and it makes it difficult for me to enjoy the show. I get that it's capturing the hyperactive nature of children, but even Foster's Home captured that in a much better way. I admit I became a blind supporter of the show after I started watching it at age twelve to thirteen, because I loved how the production tied everything together to give you a educational "spiritual" story. 

I desperately want to learn more about the characters' stories but I can't help but feel uncomfortable. It's easy to feel envious of Japanese people in the 2000's because of media like this that hurts my feelings and honest to my mother, it feels like a romanticization of a childhood in Japan. It's easy for me to envy, because I grew up with aspects of Chinese culture but I came to like, and shortly idolize Japan's culture for some time, but I was patient with how I accepted it into my mind in childhood.

Why I'm learning Mandarin

:: Hello everyone.

So I was asked by someone about why I'm learning Traditional Chinese. I had always had a fondness for the culture, but I could never imagine myself being a part of it until recently. I missed out on a lot of interesting events in my childhood, so I'm trying to take advantage of my independence as an adult by hopefully travelling and being a part of cool events.

I always liked how a simple pair of characters can carry a heavy and sentimental definition. I feel at peace when I eat chinese food, because I've been eating it since my childhood. I wish i can explore and eat other meals, because I've always been eating the same few dishes throughout my life. I was always fascinated by how simplistic the meals were, yet how amazing they tasted.

So yeah. 

I also noticed that in my Japanese learning journey, the Kanji has an association with Chinese, so I feel like if I reach a adequate level of fluency, my Japanese fluency will be immensely better and I won't have a hard time engaging with the language. I wanted to be a Japanese translator in high school, so I wouldn't mind still following along that dream.

Thank you.

- Cassandra Z.

:: entry six

 Six is a forbidden number. When it's tripled, it's a satanic number. My brother used to support satanic shit, why? I don't know. My mother raised us to be Christians, but I transitioned to a Buddhist now. 

I've been producing music recently. I admit I suffered with psychosis my entire life. Studying lingustics on the Asian side of the world has helped me distract myself from all of these overlapping voices, that can both be your friend and your enemy and whatnot. It's really fun and I love to do fun, stimulating and difficult tasks.

I guess studying and producing music is my coping mechanism right now. I am the Onpu IRL, just more talented, ~~pretty~~, older and cooler. Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahha

•─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

>> I wish my mother was okay. <<

I wish that people did not mistreat her in the hospital when I was just being born. I know that she cherished me when I was first being born. I wish that she didn't have to abuse pain medications to get a physical relief, I wish that she learnt how to cope with physical pain on her own. She always tells me that she'd prefer if I was on no medication, but that's when I start to become more unhealthy and aggressive because I can't cope. She doesn't understand the true beneftis of medicine and for that, I am leaving her life. I will commit suicide someday, but not right now, thanks to my musical and creative projects. I'm blessed with creative gifts.

•─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

November 18, 2005

*

I'm finally going to get my pink hair extensions braided into my hair in a professional sense today, yaay~. I've been waiting patiently for my hair to be a unnatural color. I'm going to braid it in pigtails like Madotsuki~ :3

I got pink braids. I originally wanted my entire hair to be just pink but they mixed it in with black and pink extensions. it's definitely comforting to have a color in my hair. 

                                5 15 24

Um, I don't really feel the most comfortable writing about how it affirms my identity on here. It helps me cope with emotions that were hard to acknowledge before.

For lunch/dinner, I got buffalo wings, jumbo fried shrimp, and some types of sushi. Thank you very much

I feel like I'm able to be a more realistic and confident person in my daily choices.

That's all. Thanks.

- Cassandra Zuo

DOG Jhene Aiko Rewrite

 Rewrite by Cassandra Zuo

⋆ Original Rap ⋆

twenty years into the new millenium
dogs have become our best friends
instead of a enemy, yeah?
but in this time frame
they’re a general annoyance
d-o-g, that’s what we describe you as
woof, woof that’s all I hear
the moment you open your mouth
so bark for me, boy
as mother nature intended
yeah~

:: entry 5

 HI EVERYONE. Not sure why this is all in caps.

For breakfast, I had chicken pasta that was a bit salty and a few biscuits!! 

                                                        (☆｀• ω •´)ｂ

Ok, I've calmed down now after I listened to some Aaliyah. lol

(Don't worry what was here before, lol.)

My mother is finally wearing some more colorful clothes, today. She has always been wearing dark clothes, struggling with grief and life's woes. 

I admit that I use Japanese media as escapism. It took me some time to even view some of it as that though. I didn't want to go to Japan at first because I thought it would be too confusing and disorienting for me. I just want to have a nice time. I like it when things are consistent. #autismmoment

It's not only Japanese things that sooth me. I like vintage cartoons as well. I like Disney and I like Rugrats, although I really do find Nickelodeon a disturbing company, worse than Cartoon Network and Disney combined into one corporation. LMAO.

I'm so happy~ ヾ(＾。^*)♪～ Yeah~ ❀*ੈ✩‧₊˚

I noticed this song sampled "Timing" by Black Biscuits~! sugoiiii kimochi

https://open.spotify.com/track/0kvqdtUad0KPmgQomK69jH?si=5286cf332ac64bab

૮ ˙Ⱉ˙ ა rawr!

I'm taking a few mandarin notes, along with a few Korean notes.

Got a mocha latte.

Feeling sleepy so nini~

- Zuo

Extensions of Aaliyah

 When Aaliyah passed away in 2001, there was a lot of unreleased music, and of course, producers that supported her had to figure out how can they support someone that fit their ideal image of a musical artist.

These are some artists that have a similar sound to Aaliyah and a similar feeling. They remind me of her, and it feels like a extension of what her music would've sounded like in those days (2002 and beyond, but mainly 2002-2009) if she didn't tragically pass away. 

Jhene - My Name is Jhene (2004)

The production of this album reminds me of 3LW and even Brandy, so that's wonderful. I have a few criticisms, though.

I feel frightened by this album because it takes obvious inspiration from Aaliyah's works. It feels uncomfortable, almost as if she is wearing her skin. She desperately wanted to be and be perceived like her, and she gets what she wants. I feel awful for Aaliyah-chan and I'm not able to even speak to her, let alone know what she would truly think about a piece of "art" like this..

It's very uncomfortable to listen to. They take parts of lyrics from Aaliyah's works word for word, there are very similar motifs and instruments, and it's creepy how they steal parts of Aaliyah's original catalogue that brang comfort to me over the years and copy and paste it into Jhene's debut album. It feels slimey. 

Honestly, it feels disgusting to me that this is her introduction to the music industry's audience, a heavily inspired Aaliyah work of art with no credit to the damn woman. 

I guess the reason why you don't hear a lot of big names from Aaliyah's era say that they miss her music, because "she's still here with us".

Is this not the exact same outfit..?

To be honest, the reason why I even bothered to listen to this album is because I need a new feminine dark-skin rolemodel that's not Aaliyah in my life, someone who's alive. This album felt incredibly uncomfortable for the most part, though. My mind can't help but catastrophize. 

Aaliyah's music feels overly sexualized and I wish so much that we had more music were we saw her as a person and not as a sex symbol. 

It's just extremely unsettling to me. No wonder people say the music industry is corrupt. I rather listen to Ashanti's debut album lol. or 3LW's "street" accent than Jhene's street accent on this album haha

I wonder if the creators of this album were new to music because I hear a similarity between songs I've heard before from around that time. It's strange how the 2000s felt like a continuation from the 1990s instead of immediately having a "this is a whole new thing" vibe. 

This seems like one terrifying way to "live onto" someone else. If I died and someone did this to me, I would try to kill myself. That's how scary it is to me. I'm sick of these disturbing shape shifters that rather be someone completely different, and get what they want (KIND OF) than face inwards and be theirselves. It's very strange and disturbing. Why did she have enablers? It's not only that. Just downright creepy. Why does it feel like a reprise of Aaliyah's sound and not her original thing? Does she want to be laughed at? loll

I admit track 7 has somewhat beautiful lyrics.. and the songs are danceable.  ₍ᐢ.  ̫.ᐢ₎

I feel embarrassed to admit I am inspired by the production of this album, because I also like to produce music. I admit that her face is aesthetically pleasing as well but there is something unsettling about it. Jhene Aiko feels like a product of yearning, but misunderstanding. I understand she may want to be asian inspired but.. 

the name "Aiko" feels like it was used for aesthetics only rather than reflecting that in their music. Melody Wu is the exact opposite of this, lol.

Track 11 is pretty and reminds me of my emotions towards my crush.

I guess I am guilty of romanticizing the early 2000's, I guess. I just like how the music molded the environment, and my father said that the best years for the United States, especially in entertainment were 2002 and 2004.

Anyway, it is a shame that this album is unreleased, because a lot of hard work seemed to be put into it. They are probably ashamed of their creepy nonsensical psychotic obsession of Aaliyah.

Next artist...!

Amerie

I think Amerie is very pretty and her music is pure-hearted and good intentions. Strange production, though. 

Her album, All I have, feels to me like a wonderful emotion of a paradise mirror world if Aaliyah had a happy ending. Why is death such a common theme in Aaliyah-inspired music, though?  That, and distrust. So many things to be sad about in this world.

Unrelated but it also gives me a Hawaiian vibe.

In conclusion

you know what I'd like to see in the music world, nowadays..? Trustworthy music that I don't have to feel on guard on. I already feel tense almost everyday when my brother is home, all my mother does is ask me to do stuff or something. So yeah. 

Something I noticed, especially within Disney is the theme of Indian fetishization. That was very popular in the early 2000's. So Aaliyah's music had trendy aspects of it mixed in with futuristic elements, for.. some reason? I just hope this supported her vision of a artist, and she wasn't scared to sing along to her music, truly. What a disturbing tragedy.

This seems to be a depiction of cultural appreciation, not fetishization from Japan around the same era these songs were released.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. Enjoy the soundssssss

- Zuo